Some teenagers HATE group assignments. I get it. I was that teen. Group work often shows our character strengths and flaws and sometimes one student ends up doing all the work. As a teen, I felt like I always got stuck doing all the work.
I remember one group project (10th grade, US History I), four of us met up at my house to work on an assignment. We had to present a significant Civil War battle and teach the historical significance to the class. After the presentations, the class would then vote on the best presentation and the group with the highest number of votes would receive an automatic 100% on the next quiz. I was highly motivated to do well on this assignment. On the last project, my partner and I had received the highest number of votes and I wanted to go for it again. To my surprise, my partner, and best friend at the time, decided to team up with someone else. Why would she choose someone else, when we just got a 100 on a quiz grade? Our project rocked!
So, I found a new group to work with and we agreed to meet at my house. We started to work on our assignment together, and before I knew it, I was in the room by myself working on the project while my groupmates were in the other room chatting. And I was furious!
We didn’t get an A, and I was even more furious than before. The project was too much for me to do on my own, and even though I tried, I couldn’t carry all the weight and I blamed them for our grade.
“They didn’t help me!”
“I got stuck doing all of the work!”
“I let them walk all over me.”
Thankfully, we met up at my house to do the assignment and my mother was in the other room the entire time working and preparing dinner and witnessed the entire event. When we received our scores, I complained to her about the project and our grade. I shared how I hated being the one doing all the work, that I felt I had been taken advantage of by my friends and that I hate working in groups. She listened and let me vent. And then she asked me if I wanted to hear what she thought and saw that I day.
The only reason why I was open to listen to her was because she asked me and I was truly upset with the outcome and knew I would have plenty more group projects coming my way that year.
So, I listened and I couldn’t believe it. What she saw was completely opposite to what I experienced. She told me that I was nit-picking their ideas. If I didn’t like how someone was gluing I took the hot-glue gun out of their hand and took over. I was bossy and basically pushed everyone out of the room. I didn’t listen to anyone’s ideas, and didn’t trust the others to do their part.
Was I really like that? Did I really do that?
Holy crap, I was the worst!
The truth is, up until this point this was pretty much the way I handled all group assignments.
Thankfully my mother spoke to me and let me see what she saw when I was ready to hear and see it. Until that point, I would never have listened or believed her. I had been told I was bossy before, and I knew it, but nothing changed. I didn’t change.
Maybe it was because a grade was attached to the outcome, or because I was extremely competitive and wanted to get all the votes or I didn’t like that my friends didn’t want to work with me. I was open to change and I was different and my mom seized the opportunity to teach me a lesson. I am so glad she did because occasionally, my control freakiness can come out and I remember that group project when my energy pushed everyone out of the room.
That day I learned a huge lesson about myself and about others. I became very aware of how my energy can push away others when trying to control a group. This is an obvious lesson, but one that I couldn’t see at the time.
The second lesson that I learned that day was how you can’t force someone to see what they can’t if they are not open to it. We must be patient with teens, and find the opportunities when teenagers are willing to listen. And most importantly, ask them if they want to hear a different point of view.
Did I stop becoming a control freak that afternoon with my talk with my mom? No. It has and is still a journey. But from that day forward I started my path of self-awareness and started taking responsibility for my role in my relationships.
So, find the moments when your teen is connecting with you and seize them, I’m very happy my mother did.
Much love,
