The one thing that will derail from any goal or even starting to work on one is negative self-talk. Our inner critic can be a nasty little thing. I haven’t met a single adult or teenager that doesn’t have an inner critic that bullies, judges, doubts and belittles them. This inner-critic will tell you what you can’t do, what you’re not and will be the voice to stop you from moving forward.
Are you familiar what that voice? I know I am. And it takes a lot of effort and work to not buy into what she has to say.
A few years ago, I had a conversation with a young man, a 17-year-old in his senior year. He is a currently a student-athlete at a Division 1 school and an all-around amazing young man: kind, respectful, friendly, an honor student all around awesome. But the one thing he struggled with was how much he judged himself, and he was tough. He was the kindest person to everyone else, but he was just harsh on himself. On that day, we were talking about a test he had taken and he didn’t get the score he wanted, he had a few silly mistakes that he only then realized. And his immediate response was to self-criticize and he really started to lay into himself.
“I’m so stupid! I know that answer! How could I be so stupid! What the hell is wrong with me?”
I immediately stopped him and I asked him: “Would you ever say to your friends the things you are saying to yourself right now?”
He immediately stopped and said “Oh my God no! No way would I talk to anyone like that.”
So, asked him “So why are you speaking to yourself that way?”
High achievers aren’t the only ones who suffer from negative self-talk and criticism. And that negative self-talk is what will hold everyone back from true happiness and success. Self-judgment and criticism starts young and if not addressed can become an ugly monster that we carry with us throughout life.
If you or your teen struggles with dealing with your inner critic, here are some tips to help squash it.
1. Acknowledge the Negative Voice
Awareness is key to being able to stop the self-criticism. If you don’t acknowledge it, it will continue to grow and we may end up judging others just as harshly. In those moments of self-criticism, it is important to pause and check in with was is going on. How are you feeling? Do you notice shame, guilt? These are typical signs of self-judgement. This takes practice to stop and be aware of your thoughts and how they are making you feel, especially since as soon as we have one thought, we can immediately go to the next. Brené Brown, the author of “The Gifts of Imperfections”, suggests naming your inner critic so you can separate yourself from the self-judgement.
2. Change the Dialogue
What we say to ourselves really matters. Therefore, it is important to change the inner dialogue to one that is expanding and uplifting. Instead of “I am so stupid. How could I do that!” change it to “Wow, I have a lot yet to learn. What can I do differently next time” or “Who can help me out with this?” This too takes a conscious effort and practice but once it becomes a habit and a tool that you can use when life brings challenges, because it will.
3. You Are Not Perfect
No one is successful because they are perfect. No one! Success comes from making mistakes and learning from them. It is fundamental to embrace our errors and remember them so we can grow into our greater selves. We cannot dwell on the fall but focus on getting back up, dusting off our knees, making tweaks and changes and moving forward. We mustn’t simply accept the failure, but analyze and figure out what mistakes were made so we can change and try again.
4. Reach Out to Someone
When you can’t seem to silence your inner-bully, it is time to reach out to someone who is uplifting and positive. It is important to have a positive support group, even if it is a single person you can reach out to, that can help you gain perspective. Don’t go through challenges alone, reach out and get support. Be mindful of the people you choose to go to when you need support and make sure they are individuals who will raise your energy and not keep you down or commiserate on the struggle.
It is an enormous relief when you can separate yourself from your inner-critic. You are not that voice of judgment. Embrace both your strengths and weakness so you can move forward. And remember, talk to yourself the way you would to your friends.
