6 Tips to Make the Most Out of Your College Visits
If you are thinking of attending college it is a good idea to book a college visit before your senior year. Many incoming 11th and 12th graders use the summer to visit potential colleges and most admissions offices recommend you schedule a tour. Here are my top tips for making the most out of your college visit.
- Research before you go. Before you book an appointment with a school, make sure you take the time to research online. Find out what the school offers that is in alignment with your interests. If you know what area of study you want to pursue, make sure you book an appointment to speak with someone in the department that offers your major.
- Prepare questions before your visit. Brainstorm questions with your parents. You, the student, must be the person asking questions on your college tour. It can be overwhelming when on campus, so make sure you brainstorm beforehand all your questions and write them down. You don’t want to be in the car on your way home and saying to yourself “Oh I should’ve asked….”
- Talk to current students. Find out what they like and don’t like about the college and university. Current students can give you a clearer perspective of what the school is like. The college admissions department is going to only share what they are most proud of and it’s a good idea to get insights from people who are paying to attend the school.
- Campus Life. Remember that college life extends to beyond the classroom. Visit dining halls, student centers, and residence halls. If you are visiting in the summer these might be closed, so will get a better idea of the atmosphere at the school if you visit when classes are in session. Find out what sports and extracurricular activities the college or university offers and if you can check them out. Visit residence halls and ask questions about housing options for all four years.
- Visit the Financial Aid department. College is a huge investment. Visit the financial aid department and prepare questions and find out what aid is available to you. Knowing your options will help narrow your college choices.
- Safety Matters. Ask about campus safety and research on-campus incidents. It is important you feel safe while on school grounds. Ask your tour guide about campus safety policies.
To get the most out of your college visit you must take the time to prepare and ask questions. You, the student, must take the lead in asking questions because this is your future. I hope you put these tips into use and let me know how your college visits go!
Much love,
Andrea
Harvard Rescinds Admittance to 10 Students
Recently you may have heard that Harvard rescinded the admission of 10 students of the class of 2021 because of exchanges of sexually offensive and racist Facebook messages. These students took for granted that they were accepted and didn’t think for a second that they could do anything to change their destiny. But they did.
When I first heard of this, I wasn’t shocked or surprised. In fact, this isn’t the only incident of students posting offensive messages on the internet and then paying for it later. For the most part, teens are unaware of consequences, because many have never had to deal with them.
We live in a time that within a second someone can post a comment and give an opinion and not think about the impact of their words unless someone (or an institution) takes bold steps and calls them out on their bad behavior. Now that the most prestigious university in the world has taken a stance on bad social media behavior, I am certain we will see more institutions following in their footsteps.
I hope parents take the opportunity to talk with their children about the impact their words and pictures have in this digital age. Nothing is private, and once we put something out onto the interwebs it is there forever. No photo or comment is private and everything is searchable.
Today, part of the interview process for most employers includes searching all social media platforms to make sure that prospects have an appropriate image to represent a company. Something that is posted as a teen can haunt them years later.
I believe we all represent our own image and brand. We show who we are by what we say, do and how we present ourselves. What we post on social media represents our personal branding. Take the time to ask your teen about what their personal brand is. What are their values? What matters most to them? How do they represent it? How does their social media match or conflict with their personal branding? How do they want to be seen, not by their friends, but by future bosses or colleagues?
I would love to hear how your conversations are going with your teens. What are you learning about how your teen represents him or herself? How aware is she about her digital footprint? Feel free to leave a comment.
Much love,
Andrea
Teens and Money
I recently had a conversation with a group of teenage girls, and one girl started to talk about how nervous she was about going away to college and having to manage her own money. I asked the first girl what she meant and she said she has absolutely no idea how to budget and is afraid that all the money she earned at her part-time job will not last her through her first semester at college. Everyone in the group agreed with her. None of them know how to keep track of what they are earning or spending. And the reality of not having spending money has become very clear to these girls.
To be honest, I didn’t know how to budget or handle money either at their age. I never had conversations about money or investing with my parents. It wasn’t that they didn’t know, it was just that we didn’t talk about it. I wish my parents taught me at an early age how to budget and to properly invest so I wouldn’t have made the mistakes I made in the past.
Do not assume that your son or daughter is learning about money management and wealth at school. Even if their school offers a financial literacy course, it is fundamental that you reinforce it at home. They must know that it is real and not just theory. We need to have more conversations, not about the lack of money but simple awareness around what we want money to provide for us.
Today, Americans are in more debt than ever before and I believe that it is because of lack of conversation. If you don’t know where to start, and that’s ok, there are so many resources available online, in a quick search you will find plenty of information. On a side note, I am currently listening to the audiobook Unshakable by Tony Robbins to further educate myself on investments and I recommend it.
It is vital that we teach children how to use their money wisely.
First, it is essential that teens understand how to track their accounts online and how interest works. If they don’t have a bank account, take them to a bank and show them how to use the bank in person. At an early age, talk to them about the importance of saving a percentage of whatever they have earned in a savings account and to add to it on a weekly or monthly basis.
Have your son or daughter create a list of things they need and how much it costs. If your teen doesn’t need to buy anything, but uses their money for entertainment, have them make a list of those expenses for the week. It is important that you review with them over a week (or two) what and where they are spending their money, and help them make any necessary changes.
Show them how to keep a monthly budget and the importance of not passing their limit and the consequences. Many teenagers who use debit cards are not aware at all of what they are spending and if that is the case you might want them to use cash only. Either way, the key is in having the conversations.
Having these conversations will set up your child for success and empower them when they are on their own. Learning to manage personal wealth and having a healthy relationship with money are critical life skills that we should all start teaching children at an early age.
Much love,
Andrea
Squash negative self-talk
The one thing that will derail from any goal or even starting to work on one is negative self-talk. Our inner critic can be a nasty little thing. I haven’t met a single adult or teenager that doesn’t have an inner critic that bullies, judges, doubts and belittles them. This inner-critic will tell you what you can’t do, what you’re not and will be the voice to stop you from moving forward.
Are you familiar what that voice? I know I am. And it takes a lot of effort and work to not buy into what she has to say.
A few years ago, I had a conversation with a young man, a 17-year-old in his senior year. He is a currently a student-athlete at a Division 1 school and an all-around amazing young man: kind, respectful, friendly, an honor student all around awesome. But the one thing he struggled with was how much he judged himself, and he was tough. He was the kindest person to everyone else, but he was just harsh on himself. On that day, we were talking about a test he had taken and he didn’t get the score he wanted, he had a few silly mistakes that he only then realized. And his immediate response was to self-criticize and he really started to lay into himself.
“I’m so stupid! I know that answer! How could I be so stupid! What the hell is wrong with me?”
I immediately stopped him and I asked him: “Would you ever say to your friends the things you are saying to yourself right now?”
He immediately stopped and said “Oh my God no! No way would I talk to anyone like that.”
So, asked him “So why are you speaking to yourself that way?”
High achievers aren’t the only ones who suffer from negative self-talk and criticism. And that negative self-talk is what will hold everyone back from true happiness and success. Self-judgment and criticism starts young and if not addressed can become an ugly monster that we carry with us throughout life.
If you or your teen struggles with dealing with your inner critic, here are some tips to help squash it.
1. Acknowledge the Negative Voice
Awareness is key to being able to stop the self-criticism. If you don’t acknowledge it, it will continue to grow and we may end up judging others just as harshly. In those moments of self-criticism, it is important to pause and check in with was is going on. How are you feeling? Do you notice shame, guilt? These are typical signs of self-judgement. This takes practice to stop and be aware of your thoughts and how they are making you feel, especially since as soon as we have one thought, we can immediately go to the next. Brené Brown, the author of “The Gifts of Imperfections”, suggests naming your inner critic so you can separate yourself from the self-judgement.
2. Change the Dialogue
What we say to ourselves really matters. Therefore, it is important to change the inner dialogue to one that is expanding and uplifting. Instead of “I am so stupid. How could I do that!” change it to “Wow, I have a lot yet to learn. What can I do differently next time” or “Who can help me out with this?” This too takes a conscious effort and practice but once it becomes a habit and a tool that you can use when life brings challenges, because it will.
3. You Are Not Perfect
No one is successful because they are perfect. No one! Success comes from making mistakes and learning from them. It is fundamental to embrace our errors and remember them so we can grow into our greater selves. We cannot dwell on the fall but focus on getting back up, dusting off our knees, making tweaks and changes and moving forward. We mustn’t simply accept the failure, but analyze and figure out what mistakes were made so we can change and try again.
4. Reach Out to Someone
When you can’t seem to silence your inner-bully, it is time to reach out to someone who is uplifting and positive. It is important to have a positive support group, even if it is a single person you can reach out to, that can help you gain perspective. Don’t go through challenges alone, reach out and get support. Be mindful of the people you choose to go to when you need support and make sure they are individuals who will raise your energy and not keep you down or commiserate on the struggle.
It is an enormous relief when you can separate yourself from your inner-critic. You are not that voice of judgment. Embrace both your strengths and weakness so you can move forward. And remember, talk to yourself the way you would to your friends.
What’s the purpose of life?
As a high school teacher, I have had the opportunity to hear and understand what is going on in their lives. Some teenagers will tell me outright what is going on, others may make a passing comment that will require some questioning on my part and others will share what’s going on in a writing assignment. Teens have worries, they have legitimate stress and they are overwhelmed. Teenagers know that they have big decisions to make in their future and it can feel like too much.
A few months ago, a student walked into class. She is at the top of her class, she’s in all honors and AP classes and is an AMAZING athlete. On that day, she looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. She had this look of absolute overwhelm and when I greeted her at the door, I got in return more of a grunt, and for her, this isn’t normal. I quickly asked her what is going on.
Her response: What’s the purpose of life?
I wasn’t expecting that question. And in a few seconds, it became very clear that her classmates were curious too.
This has been a question I have spent a lot of time thinking about throughout my life, as a teenager through my adult years. What’s the purpose of life? Why am I here?
I don’t have THE answer, but I do have my answer, what I believe is a simple answer.
I believe that every person has been given a dream or a gift. I believe the purpose of life is to bring life to that dream or gift and to share it with the world. I told her when we share our gifts we are truly living our life’s purpose. Sometimes it takes time and we may have to develop ourselves and our dreams, but that’s part of living our purpose. But when we truly share our gifts and live our dream, we inspire other to do the same.
And then with that, we started our lesson for the day.
As a caring adult in the lives of teenagers, are you living your life purpose?
Resilience, a skill youth can develop
The teen years are often seen as a time when life is easy and problem-free. However, adolescents face problems, social challenges, emotional hurt and stress that can often be the center of their world. No matter what we do, we cannot protect our children from everything that life can bring, but we can help them develop skills that will help them get through life’s challenges. Having a strong sense of self comes through the skill of resilience.
Here’s the good news: Youth can learn the skill of resilience!
The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties can help children and teens manage stress and anxiety. Resilience doesn’t mean that they will not experience stress and anxiety, but that they will survive whatever challenge they are presented with. In fact, it is important for youth to learn that setbacks aren’t always a negative but an opportunity to grow and learn.
Setbacks force individuals to stop and analyze situations, behaviors, and actions. There isn’t a one-way fit all for developing resilience, but there are many strategies. Here are three tips to help promote resilience in your teen.
- Encourage your teen to help others. In addition to making a difference in someone else’s life, teens are part of a community, gain confidence, develop empathy, acquire the skill to problem solve and learn new skills. If your son or daughter isn’t involved in a volunteer project, help them brainstorm ideas ways they can help others.
- Maintain communication. Even when it may feel like your teen doesn’t want to talk to you, talk with them. Sometimes the best time to talk is while you are doing something or driving in the car. Ask questions and give them space to ask you questions. Be sure to ask them their opinions and listen. Try to avoid solving the problem for them and encourage them to find solutions through open-ended questioning.
- Help your child set goals. It takes dedication and commitment to set a goal and to follow through with it. As they are working on their goal, provide support and the opportunity to monitor progress. Even older children need praise and support and they will look to you as their cheerleader.
I hope this article starts the conversation on helping developing youth develop resilience. What strategies do you use to encourage resilience in your children?
Much love,
Andrea
Why won’t my teen talk to me anymore?
In countless conversations with parents of teenagers, I hear, “My teenager won’t talk to me like she used to!”
But… on the flip side, I hear from my teen clients that they really want to be able to speak openly with their parents, but they don’t know how or that they are afraid to. I want to share some insights on why your teen might be holding back and tips on what you can do.
1. They are worried they won’t be understood. In my conversations with both my teen clients and students, I often hear “My parents just don’t get it.” Teenagers often think that if someone doesn’t see their point of view or if someone disagrees with them, then they are not being understood and that the other person is wrong. Teenagers often feel like they must be right and you must agree with them for them to be understood.
2. They don’t want to let you down. Teenagers have been conditioned since they were babies to achieve and behave in ways to make parents and teachers happy. They know what you will put up with and what you will not and they will do what they can to avoid negative interactions.
3. They think they must have it all figured out. Teenagers often feel like they should have their life and future completely figured out and it can be scary. They want their parents to trust them and they definitely don’t want any privileges taken away. So, they will do their best to play the role of a responsible teenager and will keep from you what they believe you do not need to know.
4. They don’t want to burden you. Teenagers know when you are stressed and they don’t want to add to it. As a result, they may hold on to whatever is going to “protect” you.
So, what can you do?
1. Practice active listening. In those moments when your teen is talking to you, it is critical that you are present and truly listen to what he or she is saying without asking a lot of questions. Let them know what you are hearing them say. For teenagers simply listening to them can make them feel like they are being understood. You don’t have to agree with them, but just let them know that you are hearing what they are saying and feeling.
2. Make sure you are taking the time to practice self-care. When you are stressed out take the time (even if it is just a few minutes) for you. It is also fundamental that you have a someone or a group to provide you support. This will teach your teen that they don’t have to go through problems and frustrations on their own and that it is healthy to have a positive support group.
3. Practice empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and think about how or what you would feel in their situation. In the fast pace life that we all live today, it is important to take the time to pause and to consider their point of view.
Let me know, when you feel your teen is holding back and how you respond?
Much love,
Andrea
Does your teen know their strengths?
As an educator, every year I am asked by former students that are in the college application process to write a letter of recommendation. Students typically submit a resume that outlines awards, community service activity, extracurricular activities and the like. I recall one year, a former student asked me to write a letter as he was on the waiting list for one of his top schools. It was a last-minute request and he didn’t have a resume to give me. I will be honest, some students stand out more than others, and this young man was a fair student, polite, respectful but at the time, I couldn’t remember anything specific to praise him on. So, I asked him, “Tell me, what are your stand out qualities? What makes you uniquely you? What are you passionate about?”
His response… Nothing. Blank stare.
I had to ask him a lot of questions, to get him thinking and to give me something I could work with.
I don’t remember what I wrote in his letter, and if it wasn’t for that particular interaction I may not remember him today. But I am reminded of that experience often in conversations with teenagers. So many teenagers, struggle to embrace their strengths, or worse, aren’t aware of what they are. Many teenagers feel uncomfortable thinking highly of themselves because they associate it with being conceited and self-involved. Similarly, teens compare themselves to an invisible or unrealistic ruler and often have no idea of who they are or what makes them uniquely them. They may not see themselves for who they are, but rather for who they are not.
Many teenagers think that if they don’t have a major accomplishment, they aren’t good enough. What is important for them to connect with are their values, what are their daily habits, what impacts their thinking, what moves them. It is so important that the adults in the lives of teenagers help them recognize their strengths and give them room to embrace them. Here are a few tips to help your teens embrace their unique qualities with confidence.
- Ask! I realized that my former student struggled to give me an answer because he wasn’t used to being asked about his strengths and passions. It is fundamentally important for the adults in the lives of teens to start the conversation with them and have it often. When we help teenagers acknowledge their uniqueness, they are able to believe that they matter and that they have something to contribute to the world. Every teenager I speak to wants to feel like they are contributing and making a positive impact on the world, it is a trait of the millennial generation. How about we help them see what their spark is and empower them to use it to be an influencer?
- Use failures and setbacks as an opportunity to help your teen become self-aware. It is important that teenagers embrace their failures and use them as an opportunity to evaluate, learn and make adjustments for the future. When teenagers recognize that failures don’t define them, but that they can actually discover their strengths and weaknesses, not only will they have a deeper awareness of themselves, but they will build their confidence. No one is perfect in everything, and until teenagers can acknowledge that reality that will be able to clearly identify their true strengths.
- Help your teenager get to the core of their interests and passions. If your teenager is passionate about a sport or pastime, find out why it is they are excited about it. By asking questions you will help them articulate why the activity matter to them and it can give you and them insight into their strengths and values. This is what motivates us into action. If your teen is struggling in identifying this for themselves, ask them what attracts them to the people they look up to. What about them do they admire and why. This type of questioning promotes self-reflection and will encourage them to see their own possibilities.
Teenagers need our help so they can live authentically and embrace their unique qualities with joy. When teenagers have awareness on their strengths (and weaknesses) their self-confidence increases and anxiety lessens. Chances are your teens may need help identifying and embracing his or her gifts.
Much love,
Andrea
p.s. Are we connected on social media? Let’s connect below.
What’s a Finsta?
Instagram along with Snapchat are probably the most popular social media apps used by teens today. Well not just teens, everyone really.
Instagram allows you to show the world who you are through your pictures.
Typically, a lot of time goes into taking the best picture, then you have to choose the right filter. Once you have the picture, it is time to caption the photo. Once the photo is published it is time to wait for the likes. It takes a lot to show the world who you are!
About a year ago, I started to hear teens in my classroom talk about their “Finsta”. I kept on hearing the term used and had no idea what they were talking about so I asked. The response, “Oh it’s my fake Instagram account.”
I started to ask questions, and what I found out is that many teens have a “Finsta”. It is a private account and usually has a finny or clever username. Finsta accounts are customarily only shared with a small circle of followers (close friends). Some teens have a finsta to hide social media activity from parents. The difference with a Finsta and Rinsta, is that teens usually post silly pictures and inside jokes that aren’t meant to be shared with everyone.
Instagram allows users to have multiple accounts to switch in and out of. Therefore, it is easy to have multiple accounts.
Is it bad that my teen has a finsta?
On the one hand, at least they are aware that they do not want everything shared with everyone. So, it is good that they have that level of awareness. But on the other hand, why do they have to have a fake Instagram identity?
If you are unsure about your teens social media use, ask them. Talk to them, and ask them what they are posting. Also, it is important to have conversations even at younger ages about privacy and what it means to post a picture on any social media platform. The moment any picture or statement is posted, it is public. Even on a private account, all it takes is a screen shot and anything is public.
What conversations do you have with your teens or tweens around social media and privacy? I would love to know!
Much love,
Andrea
P.S. Feel free to follow me on Instagram @theempoweredteen.net
My teen is lazy!
Can you relate to the following? No matter what you say, how much you push and urge your teen, they aren’t following through on their commitments. They say they’ll get their work done, study, do their chores, but you see them doing everything else, watching Netflix, taking a nap etc. And thus, you find yourself evermore frustrated.
So, what do you do?
Often procrastination, laziness and apathy is a cover for something else going on. Teens often push off dealing with schoolwork or commitments because of fear of failure or disappointment. They may act like they are not interested but honestly they may be afraid of what will happen if they fail.
So here are some strategies to help you help your teen.
1. Communication – You must truly listen to your teen. Allow them to speak without interruptions and most importantly be patient. Ask him or her questions about their day. Simply asking “How was your day?” isn’t going to cut it. Ask them questions that can spark a conversation. For example, “What were two things you learned today?” or “What made you laugh today?”, and have a conversation that can continue.
It is important that your teen knows that you are interested in what is going on in their life. These types of conversations shows your teen that you have their back and they will be more willing to share
2. Create structure – For some teens, time seems to escape them. Have a conversation with your teen and have him or her create a timeframe for when they will complete their tasks. Be patient and allow them to take responsibility in creating their schedule. It is important that they are aware that they can have the relax time and work time, but must schedule them. By doing this, you will teach them how to prioritize and take responsibility for their work and commitments. Since most of the teens I work with are always on their phones, I have them use their alarms on their phones to help them track their time. What they will discover, is when they prioritize tasks, they have more time for the fun.
3. Acknowledge positive behaviors – It is so easy to point out when teens are being lazy, but it is so important that you acknowledge your teen when they are following through with their commitments. Just like when they were younger, they still want your approval and it’s critical that you let them know.
4. Check if there is anything else going on – Apathy can sometimes be a cover for something else bothering teens like stress, struggles with friends or within themselves or perhaps they are not getting enough sleep and electronics are an issue. If you see your teen dragging or avoiding responsibilities more than usual it could be because something else is going on and you must sit down and talk him or her.
I hope these strategies help you have less arguments and struggle in getting your teen to follow through with responsibilities. By teaching your teen the skill of communication, structure and positive behaviors you are teaching them discipline that they will use throughout their life.
Let me know how these tips and strategies are working out for you.
Much love,
Andrea