As an educator, every year I am asked by former students that are in the college application process to write a letter of recommendation. Students typically submit a resume that outlines awards, community service activity, extracurricular activities and the like. I recall one year, a former student asked me to write a letter as he was on the waiting list for one of his top schools. It was a last-minute request and he didn’t have a resume to give me. I will be honest, some students stand out more than others, and this young man was a fair student, polite, respectful but at the time, I couldn’t remember anything specific to praise him on. So, I asked him, “Tell me, what are your stand out qualities? What makes you uniquely you? What are you passionate about?”
His response… Nothing. Blank stare.
I had to ask him a lot of questions, to get him thinking and to give me something I could work with.
I don’t remember what I wrote in his letter, and if it wasn’t for that particular interaction I may not remember him today. But I am reminded of that experience often in conversations with teenagers. So many teenagers, struggle to embrace their strengths, or worse, aren’t aware of what they are. Many teenagers feel uncomfortable thinking highly of themselves because they associate it with being conceited and self-involved. Similarly, teens compare themselves to an invisible or unrealistic ruler and often have no idea of who they are or what makes them uniquely them. They may not see themselves for who they are, but rather for who they are not.
Many teenagers think that if they don’t have a major accomplishment, they aren’t good enough. What is important for them to connect with are their values, what are their daily habits, what impacts their thinking, what moves them. It is so important that the adults in the lives of teenagers help them recognize their strengths and give them room to embrace them. Here are a few tips to help your teens embrace their unique qualities with confidence.
- Ask! I realized that my former student struggled to give me an answer because he wasn’t used to being asked about his strengths and passions. It is fundamentally important for the adults in the lives of teens to start the conversation with them and have it often. When we help teenagers acknowledge their uniqueness, they are able to believe that they matter and that they have something to contribute to the world. Every teenager I speak to wants to feel like they are contributing and making a positive impact on the world, it is a trait of the millennial generation. How about we help them see what their spark is and empower them to use it to be an influencer?
- Use failures and setbacks as an opportunity to help your teen become self-aware. It is important that teenagers embrace their failures and use them as an opportunity to evaluate, learn and make adjustments for the future. When teenagers recognize that failures don’t define them, but that they can actually discover their strengths and weaknesses, not only will they have a deeper awareness of themselves, but they will build their confidence. No one is perfect in everything, and until teenagers can acknowledge that reality that will be able to clearly identify their true strengths.
- Help your teenager get to the core of their interests and passions. If your teenager is passionate about a sport or pastime, find out why it is they are excited about it. By asking questions you will help them articulate why the activity matter to them and it can give you and them insight into their strengths and values. This is what motivates us into action. If your teen is struggling in identifying this for themselves, ask them what attracts them to the people they look up to. What about them do they admire and why. This type of questioning promotes self-reflection and will encourage them to see their own possibilities.
Teenagers need our help so they can live authentically and embrace their unique qualities with joy. When teenagers have awareness on their strengths (and weaknesses) their self-confidence increases and anxiety lessens. Chances are your teens may need help identifying and embracing his or her gifts.
Much love,
Andrea
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