I recently had a conversation over brunch with a dear friend and we starting talking about how our relationships with our mothers during our teenage years deeply affected and molded us. We could both remember specific conversations that had a profound effects on us. Some women may feel that their mother didn’t expect much from them, while others felt they were constantly pushed to go further.
Can you relate?
For as long as I can remember, my mother has pushed me do and to become better. As a little girl, I took ballet classes and piano lessons. I didn’t particularly enjoy either activity, but I stuck with them until she finally saw that I wasn’t enjoying either. Later during junior high and high school I took martial arts, again I didn’t choose it and didn’t want to do it. I did not have a choice in the matter. My mother saw I needed help building self-confidence and decided it was something I was going to do. I pushed back a lot, but I grew to enjoy and excel in the art. It gave me confidence, taught me discipline, perseverance and how to deal with wins and losses. By the way, I earned my second-degree black belt and became an instructor.
My mother pushed me a lot. She wanted me to have opportunities, because she didn’t have them growing up. My mother grew up in a time and in a culture where all that was expected of her was to get married and have children. When she wanted to go to school, she didn’t get any support at all, in fact she was told not to bother. When she did go to school, she ended up not finishing because life got in the way. Every time she nagged me she would remind me that she didn’t have what I did. There was no one there to push or encourage her. When she had my sister and me she made sure we didn’t have that experience. She made sure she pushed us to become and do better and boy did she; she was determined to give us what she never had. Sometimes she created goals for us, but if there was something we wanted to do, she supported us. She has championed us on our goals and still does to this day.
The thing is, as a teenager I didn’t understand it the way I do now.
I was fully aware of her hardship growing up, it was never a secret. But I hated her pushing me, and I would challenge it when it required more from me that I was willing to give. I didn’t see her wanting the best for me, I saw it as her nagging and annoying me, and wanting me to do what she wanted. Even though I was fully aware she only wanted a positive future for me.
And how would I respond? I gave her a lot of attitude and didn’t always do my best.
As a teenager, I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t have a passion I wanted to go after. I think my mother saw that and made it her business to create goals for me. You see she had goals, but there wasn’t a person there to tell her she could achieve them. There was no one who believed in her or to simply say, “You can do it.”
As an adult, I understand why she pushed me and I am grateful for it now. I just didn’t see it that way as a teen. As a teenager, I struggled with doing right by my parents and at the same time finding my individuality and exploring independence. For today’s teens, things haven’t change. I believe that teens still want to do right by their parents, but at the same time they will challenge you and test your boundaries (and their’s too!).
Please let me know if you can relate to my experience. If you are a parent and find yourself nagging or arguing with your children to become motivated and set goals how is that affecting your relationship? How are they responding?
Much love,
Andrea
