In countless conversations with parents of teenagers, I hear, “My teenager won’t talk to me like she used to!”
But… on the flip side, I hear from my teen clients that they really want to be able to speak openly with their parents, but they don’t know how or that they are afraid to. I want to share some insights on why your teen might be holding back and tips on what you can do.
1. They are worried they won’t be understood. In my conversations with both my teen clients and students, I often hear “My parents just don’t get it.” Teenagers often think that if someone doesn’t see their point of view or if someone disagrees with them, then they are not being understood and that the other person is wrong. Teenagers often feel like they must be right and you must agree with them for them to be understood.
2. They don’t want to let you down. Teenagers have been conditioned since they were babies to achieve and behave in ways to make parents and teachers happy. They know what you will put up with and what you will not and they will do what they can to avoid negative interactions.
3. They think they must have it all figured out. Teenagers often feel like they should have their life and future completely figured out and it can be scary. They want their parents to trust them and they definitely don’t want any privileges taken away. So, they will do their best to play the role of a responsible teenager and will keep from you what they believe you do not need to know.
4. They don’t want to burden you. Teenagers know when you are stressed and they don’t want to add to it. As a result, they may hold on to whatever is going to “protect” you.
So, what can you do?
1. Practice active listening. In those moments when your teen is talking to you, it is critical that you are present and truly listen to what he or she is saying without asking a lot of questions. Let them know what you are hearing them say. For teenagers simply listening to them can make them feel like they are being understood. You don’t have to agree with them, but just let them know that you are hearing what they are saying and feeling.
2. Make sure you are taking the time to practice self-care. When you are stressed out take the time (even if it is just a few minutes) for you. It is also fundamental that you have a someone or a group to provide you support. This will teach your teen that they don’t have to go through problems and frustrations on their own and that it is healthy to have a positive support group.
3. Practice empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and think about how or what you would feel in their situation. In the fast pace life that we all live today, it is important to take the time to pause and to consider their point of view.
Let me know, when you feel your teen is holding back and how you respond?
Much love,
Andrea
